Possible Epiphany

April 3, 2009

Maybe it’s not a question of giving up the dream.  Maybe it’s a question of reassessing what you were looking for in the first place.

Last year nearly crushed me with the weight of “too late.”

 

I laughingly and often joked to anyone who would hear that 2008 was my last year to mourn the passing of my fertility.  Truly, though, I thought if I put a time frame on it, I would be able to contain the sadness.  My self imposed ultimatum was so full of what I had expected my life to be; so heavy with those expectations, so much deeper than an offhand remark.

 

It was time to stop waiting for my life to begin; to really look at my life for what it already is, not for what I meant it to be by this point. And if I didn’t learn to like what I found, then, without question, it would be too late.    

 

It wasn’t until I started mapping out the few pieces of my original plan that were still attainable that I finally started to ask, What if I have been chasing the wrong thing all along?  If I had truly wanted those things that I thought I was waiting for, wouldn’t I have found a way to have them?  Wouldn’t I have sacrificed different things to get them?  What if I have led this life – this misbegotten, unremarkable, embarrassment of a life — because a larger part of me than I thought actually was happy in it?  

 

I’m still testing this theory.  I practice enhancing what I have, instead of waiting for someone, something to take me to what I don’t have yet.  I try every day to stop thinking of this life as the waiting room for my Real Life.  I grudgingly admit to finding grace in what is here, and what is now.

 

It’s lighter, Here.  I could get used to Now, if I’m right.  I could live This.

 

Advertisements

My first time.

June 4, 2008

Be gentle with me. 

The concept:
1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page of results, and pick one image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.

The questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food? right now?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your favourite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favourite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What is one word that describes you?
12. What is your flickr name?

via schmutzie

genesis

August 9, 2007

So many things not to like about blogging.  It’s decidedly passive aggressive, once you know there are readers, especially if you know those readers, and especially certain types of posts.  Passive aggressive is a biggie on the To Fix list.  Then there’s the (my?) tendency to start composing posts in my head about things as they are happening, foiling yet another attempt at changing something on the To Fix list, Learning to Live In the Moment.  I don’t want to live my life as a narrator of it, writing the story of the event for future publication, instead of simply being.  It’s hard enough to simply be instead of bracing for the end.

Things to like about blogging:  using my head, for once.  Spouting my inevitable opinion.  Memorializing.  Creative outlet having.  Fucking with your head.

We shall see.