Possible Epiphany

April 3, 2009

Maybe it’s not a question of giving up the dream.  Maybe it’s a question of reassessing what you were looking for in the first place.

Last year nearly crushed me with the weight of “too late.”

 

I laughingly and often joked to anyone who would hear that 2008 was my last year to mourn the passing of my fertility.  Truly, though, I thought if I put a time frame on it, I would be able to contain the sadness.  My self imposed ultimatum was so full of what I had expected my life to be; so heavy with those expectations, so much deeper than an offhand remark.

 

It was time to stop waiting for my life to begin; to really look at my life for what it already is, not for what I meant it to be by this point. And if I didn’t learn to like what I found, then, without question, it would be too late.    

 

It wasn’t until I started mapping out the few pieces of my original plan that were still attainable that I finally started to ask, What if I have been chasing the wrong thing all along?  If I had truly wanted those things that I thought I was waiting for, wouldn’t I have found a way to have them?  Wouldn’t I have sacrificed different things to get them?  What if I have led this life – this misbegotten, unremarkable, embarrassment of a life — because a larger part of me than I thought actually was happy in it?  

 

I’m still testing this theory.  I practice enhancing what I have, instead of waiting for someone, something to take me to what I don’t have yet.  I try every day to stop thinking of this life as the waiting room for my Real Life.  I grudgingly admit to finding grace in what is here, and what is now.

 

It’s lighter, Here.  I could get used to Now, if I’m right.  I could live This.

 

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