Possible Epiphany
April 3, 2009
Maybe it’s not a question of giving up the dream. Maybe it’s a question of reassessing what you were looking for in the first place.
Last year nearly crushed me with the weight of “too late.”
I laughingly and often joked to anyone who would hear that 2008 was my last year to mourn the passing of my fertility. Truly, though, I thought if I put a time frame on it, I would be able to contain the sadness. My self imposed ultimatum was so full of what I had expected my life to be; so heavy with those expectations, so much deeper than an offhand remark.
It was time to stop waiting for my life to begin; to really look at my life for what it already is, not for what I meant it to be by this point. And if I didn’t learn to like what I found, then, without question, it would be too late.
It wasn’t until I started mapping out the few pieces of my original plan that were still attainable that I finally started to ask, What if I have been chasing the wrong thing all along? If I had truly wanted those things that I thought I was waiting for, wouldn’t I have found a way to have them? Wouldn’t I have sacrificed different things to get them? What if I have led this life – this misbegotten, unremarkable, embarrassment of a life — because a larger part of me than I thought actually was happy in it?
I’m still testing this theory. I practice enhancing what I have, instead of waiting for someone, something to take me to what I don’t have yet. I try every day to stop thinking of this life as the waiting room for my Real Life. I grudgingly admit to finding grace in what is here, and what is now.
It’s lighter, Here. I could get used to Now, if I’m right. I could live This.
